well mom i just wrote on hear the other day but i have been thinking about u so i decided to type some thoughts down so u could see them it wont be all of them but hey u know what hopefully it is a start to the healing process it is a long shot but its worth a try!!!!!!
I just remember all the days that lead up to the worst day of my life april 2nd. I remember when adam called and said " what do i do when dad isnt home from work yet? austin isnt home and mom is at the hospital?" I couldnt believe what i was hearing not that dad and austin werent home just that u were in the hospital!! I knew u were going to the doctor but not the hospital. I was just leaving my house for a softball tournament and i tried to call your cell phone like crazy just like u called mine when u were worried about something and u didnt answer and i had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach like someone was stabbing me over and over!! I knew something wasnt right then u called me from a hospital bed u werent even in a room yet and u called me trying not to cry well instantly i did and u said i will be fine and then u started crying! I knew u were scared because i was i thought theres know way that god can take away my bestfriend no way theres nothing wrong!!
Then came your surgery they found blockage and spots on your liver i thought hell no not my mom not superwoman( as u were in my eyes) shes not sick!! And low and behold about a couple days later i again was on the way to a softball game i got a phone call from u telling me to get up to the hospital u had something to tell me and i remember saying" no i cant just tell me whats wrong" right there i knew it was bad!! U said u had stage 4 colon cancer and it spread to your liver well of course i said" there better be 10 f@#%&*$ stages" and nope there isnt! Then u came home and started chemotherapy and through the hole thing u knew how sick u were and led me to believe that u were gonna make it even though u knew u werent and boy was i mad at u because as much as i believed you you know u cant lie to me because i am u and u are me!!!
Then came the end of the whole process in march when u were in and out of the hospital the last week u were in there and they had u on so much meds it was wednsday i helped u eat your chocolate pudding i was there prob 3 hrs and we just talked as if everything was ok even though we both knew it wasnt!! when i was ready to leave i said " i love u mom" and u replied "Ryan james i love u more than anything in this whole world" and i started crying and i was mad at myself because all the time u would call me crying or when i was at the house and u just held me and cried or when i laid with u in your bed with u and u cried calling yourself a wussy i would always comfort u without shedding any tears and i promised myself i would never cry in front of i would stay strong for my mommy!! But in that case i dint and then u shed some tears also that night in the hospital i was so mad at myself!!!
Then 2 days later at the hospital i get a call from fiona u better come here because the cancer spread to her lungs and she is not good!! Well that day i got there and they were starting that new chemo and me and adam sat there just hoping it was going to work we left the hospital in good moods because we thought u were gonna be ok because thats what u wanted us to think! Then came that dreadfull sat morning once again i got a phone call from fiona ryan u better come up here your moms not gonna make it through the day i almost dropped the phone i started crying fell to the floor and pretty much lost my mind mom. I couldnt believe this was happening not my mom couldnt be i thought it was a nightmare and i was gonna wake up oh i woke up alright.
Just seeing u in the icu with a mask on knowing there was nothing i could do for u broke my heart! U were and always will be my pride and joy and i would of traded spaces with u in a minute just so u wouldnt feel any pain. 11 28 pm on sunday is when god finally took u and i went in there to see u after u had passed and it was the most heart wrenching thing i have ever or will probably ever do i knew this wasnt a dream anymore this was real!! I just sat there and cried but u were at peace u werent suffering anymore and i realized u know what i cant be mad at her she didnt tell me or my brothers anything because she didnt want us to feel the pain that she was going through!! U were always one tough sob and u were a role model and i think austin said it perfect watching u over the 25 yrs that we were together u were the best mom anybody could ask for and i also wish i hope i am half the parent u ever were and always will be!!
Well now that i am crying i got about a tenth of the stuff out that i want to tell u and in due time i will say more i just wanted u to know that i am not mad at u anymore and i realize what u did was for our own good! I love and miss u more everyday and this will never get easy not having u here but i just hope that u give me the strength to hold on and never give up although sometimes it crosses my mind!! Well thats it for now mom i will write again soon and get somemore emotions out hopefully that is the first step to the healing process because only u and god know how i feel! I am lost without u it feels like someone tore half of my heart and soul away and i need your help to get it back!! So i am gonna go now i love u and miss u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Ryan James
P.S. I am still gonna keep this family together keep the boys and dad above water i promised u that in the hospital on that wednsday night that i will cherish forever and i will fullfill my promise!!!
Mom,
Where do I start? I guess I could start with saying thank you for all that you did for me in the 16 years we had together and thank you for all that you did for the family. It just isn’t the same walking in from school, work, or where ever I’m coming from and not see you sitting in the chair with that big smile of yours smiling and your warm heart waiting for a hug. Every day I walk in and still think that I just might see you there and every day I’m let down. I know that you are there in sprit just like you are with me every where I go. It just isn’t the same I can talk and talk to you all I want, but you just don’t talk back. When I have a bad day or am just feeling down, I don’t have you arms to fall into. You always no matter how bad the situation or how bad I messed up on something, you always made it better and made me feel that it was perfect. Every night I walk into the kitchen and get a night snack and walk back to my room and say “goodnight dad, have a good night and a good day at work tomorrow”, then I go to sleep. Every night I go to stop and give you a hug like I always did or I would get yelled at, and your not there to hug or say the same thing too but instead say “see in the morning” and not say “have a good day at work”. Every morning I wake up and go to the kitchen where you would be sitting with a big smile and say good morning and have breakfast on the table. Now I wake up and walk out there and just see a paper in front of the spot were you would be sitting.
Now onto a little bit brighter of things. I know you already know from up above but there’s just a few things I would like to say. I know that you would be so very proud of me. I have made high honors the first half of the year, I’m a captain of the baseball team, I was junior technology student of the year last year, I have a job and plan for my future that I think you would say is a little detailed but none the less would make you stop and say “that sounds good Austin, you have a good head on your shoulders and I’m very proud of you.” I graduate in just over two months and if its one day that I wanted you to be here for would be that one. When I walk across the stage I know you will be right there next to me walking, with the best seat in the place.
I just want to take some time now to say some things that I never go to tell you before you left. I want to start with saying thank you from the very bottom of my heart for the person that you (with the help of dad) have made me. You taught me respect of others but more off Self-respect and to never let anyone put me down and just brush it off and move on. You taught me dignity and to no matter what be proud of my self and who I am. You taught me pride and to take pride in what ever I do no matter how big or small. You taught me honesty, trust, and just how to be the best possible person. Now when people talk about me and I hear them say “yeah Austin he’s a good kid” or when someone compliments me for being nice, I automatically think of you and smile. I want to say thank you for always no matter what putting your children first. You have shown me what it takes to be a real parent and I hope that some day I’m half the parent you were. Even when you where sick and it looked like it hurt you to just get out of bed you still did and you still went into the kitchen and made me breakfast and some how I still don’t know how you would pull a smile from within and say “good morning, how ways your night.” I want to thank you for teaching me Determination and what it mean to be strong. Mom the last words that I remember saying to you where “You have to much to live for, your not going anywhere” and looked at me with the biggest smile then I gave you the last hug that you gave back to me and ours meet and I said “I Love You” and you still managed to with tears in both our eyes pull that smile out again and say “I Love You Too” while you squeezed me with all your strength. Then the nurse took you from the room for your test to see if what was in your chest was cancerous. You have taught me to never to give up, to never lose faith, to never lose strength and to push until there physically is no more strength to push with.
I Just want to say the goodbye that I never go to say and still haven’t said. I’m hoping that by writing this letter to you it will help me recover a little more and help my healing process little more.
“Goodbye Mom, I’m going to miss you more then any words or actions will ever be able to show. Don’t worry about me for you have already shown me what it takes to make it through this game they call “life”. You have been the best Mom that I seriously could have ever asked for, everyone ells always has something to complain about with there mom, my mom this or that, but I can honestly say I have nothing to complain about you were awesome.”
There’s still lots more that I could write but I’ll continue that later, I got the meat of what I wanted to say out.
Mom,
I Love You, Miss you, Thank You
Mom, We have had so many memories in just the 13 years i got to live with you.. I dont believe at all that 13 years is enough time but god needs you more than we do i guesse to keep the other angels in line as you kept ryan,austin,and I all in line. You have been the best mother anyone could ever wish for. Even when you were sick and in the hospital i still kneew you were there for me and cared for me and i know you still do the same now. I remember all the times we had together me being your youngest, always being your baby. When im up at bat i still here your voice say "come on adam you can do it" but its never gonna be the same out on the field without being able to see your face in the stands ever though i know you are always there. When im on the mound i still here you cheering on for me and Valley Park saying "talk it up out there'' that never got old. I really wish you were still here to guide me through life, because it sure is hard to get through it now without you. I won the basketball championship this year and every bit of it was for you. I also made the TMS varsity team for both baseball and Basketball. I know you would be proud, theres just so much i wanted to have said to you but never have gotten the chance. I miss youy so much and if it wasnt for ryan i dont know what i would do. I want to say thanks for raiseing me and austin right of coarse but really thanks for raiseing ryan to be the man he is. He is the most amazing person in this world now that you have left and you really have made a role model in him. Hes been there for me through everything. I hope your having a good time up there with Kat and Mario and everyone cause i know im not having a good time down here but thats not your fault. I love you with all of my heart and always will. Your such an amazing mother. Love alwasys
Your baby, Adam
Peach you know where I am right now..... I did everything you wanted me to do. I told you I could handle it. That was the first time you ever asked anything of me specifically.... I would do it all again the same way...... It was all for you..... all for you.... what and how you wanted it to be... I am honored to have been your sister........ You know me and that is enough said. I thank you for the offer of what we had talked about, but that is comforting someone that really needs it more than myself. I was willing to let that go because you would have done the same.
I had a hard time at first wondering who would I talk to the way I talk to you? who would understand me as you would? I never thought I would find that connection with anyone else.... Low and behold.... our dear brother has stepped up to the plate.. I am running with this..... my need to solidify a meaningful relationship with the entire family. It is important to me to do that. It is important because you made that important in your life... You were always there no matter what anyone was going through. You always made the time to listen... Not telling us what to do, but allowing us to find our own answers and when they did not pan out the way we thought, you would say "I am sorry that happend to you but I am always here if you need to talk" my respect for you was extremely high.....because of the type of mother you were......you love your children and were tough when you needed to be.... You were a positive factor in my life when my world was falling apart. You were my sister, my best friend and a mother figure to me as well...
You are still a constant in my life. When I am faced with decisions, I know deep within what the answer is. You taught me well. I was fearful that I would not have you to talk to and help me..... but you are with me everyday... I feel you and I am extremely comforted by that. I found that place we had always talked about and you were right... it so is worth the work to get to it. When I think of you I feel a pang and a sadness because I cannot see you or touch you but then I am quickly comforted because I FEEL you. I hear you talking to me. Remember my ability for the "memory making?" I am happy to have mastered that.
It took me months and months to come to terms with things and I am happily there. You were where you were meant to be for all of us.. I have learned so much in the past 6 months and I am continually learning. Life is most definitely short. I listen to the inner voice of doing what is right at all times. Always treating people with kindness and respect, not some of the time or half of the time, but all the time. I understand that it does not matter what others think of me but what I think of myself and how I conduct myself on a daily basis..... and that always doing the right thing will free you from guilt.... allowing yourself to forgive yourself for mistakes of the past. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you......in time, maybe others will see me the way that you see me. I have learned that the greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising EVERY time we fall..... I celebrate your life every day.... I do not focus on the fact that you are no longer here in flesh but your spirit lives in me forever... I believe that and hold on to that... When I recall memories.... I smile now and thankful for the time I spent with you....
You were not without fault though...... I am not annointing sainthood on you..... you were still human after all..... and you still could not cook.......Thank goodness Fred Could.....you were not the most organized person either.. but that just gave you the time to do the things that were more important.... you did not want to be bothered with details.... You were more concerned with being hands on with people...
what you did for your friend Kathy, was the most admirable thing a person could have ever done. I had the opportunity to meet her husband when you were sick... what a wonderful wonderful man....he had shed many tears for you....and I am so happy to have learned how you had touched his life and that of the kids.....I wish to be that caring towards others because of your example.....Your influence had an effect on Fiona, because she too, is a kind soul......I am thankful to her for being Your best friend....
I am always here for anyone who will need me.... I just hope that they reach out as I reach out to them......maybe in time.... but I can always wish and hope and pray... and... last of all... please see me and help me in that area that I so wish to have.... I know it is all in the time that it is supposed to be.... I am practicing the art of patience.... Thank you for the Memories.... ALL of them the good and not so good and the bad..... because NOTHING is a waste of time when you use that time wisely to learn..... I will share more later on the specific memories of you.... I suppose this is a healing beginning to what your life was meant to be for others.... Thank you for being a terrific sister...... I hope the bonds of the rest of the family can come together because of you.... not the other way around.... family is where it is at no matter what is going on......acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, and most of all LOVE..... :)
I know where the line in the sand is now.......I promise to never let anyone cross it again..... I will remain true...I will always remain true to that... you know I will....
I LOVE YOU FOREVER,
YOUR SISTER SAMMY
Aunt Lynne,
I will never forget all the good times we had in the summer time. When we would go out just riding around, swimming, and shopping together! and when i broke my leg you were there with me through the whole thing!! I miss you so much but i will never forget the good times we shared!! When we used to talk and just laugh about anything. I guess God had better things in mind for you then to be here with us. Heres a little poem i wrote you i hope you like it!!
The Times We Shared
When we shared laughter,
There was twice the fun;
When we shared success,
We surpassed what we had done.
When we shared problems,
There was half the pain;
When we shared tears,
A rainbow followed rain.
When we shared dreams,
They became more real;
When we shared secrets,
Our hearts revealed.
If we shared a smile,
That's when our love showed;
If we shared a hug,
It's when our love grew.
If we shared with someone
On whom we depended,
That person was always
Our family or friend.
And what drew us closer
And made us all care,
Was not what we had,
But the things that we shared
By: Marissa Peek
Aunt Lynne im just hopeing that you will never forget me and one day we will meet again. And forget all the bad times we went through and just regoice in happiness knowing we are back together again.!! Dont ever worry about me down here i will make sure to take care of my self and grow and be as strong as you were and still are. I pray that everything goes well in our family and just let them know your there for them! I know your watching over me like the precious angel you are!! You will never be forgotten in my life!! I love you so much Aunt Lynne and miss you like crazy! Dont forget me
Your little girl,
Marissa
